Randumbness
by Wolf McCloud-123
Summary: If you emphasize the 'dumb' in that word, the whole plot will be revealed to you. Rating may go up if I write anything truly offensive.
1. Ostia: Space Trek

Randumbness

A/N: Random songs. Random filler chapters. Random musical outbursts. Random all over... This, my friends, is Randumbness.

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Part I - Space Trek

"_I swear, we... have to do... SOMEthing..."_ came Captain Weinstein's voice from the television. It was Saturday morning in Ostia, and Hector was eating Ostia-O's while watching the most idiotic sci-fi thriller/TV series in Ostia: Space Trek. He didn't look like he was enjoying the show _or_ the Ostia-O's.

"Who makes these things?" he asked himself, digging through a pile of trash next to the couch, and pulling out the box. "...Laus Cereal Unlimited..." He blinked. "...Oh."

Uther walked in, then gasped in shock at the complete mess that had once been his living room.

"_Cap'n, we've got ta du som'n!_" said the Irish navigator, Burly.

Major Implants sighed from her station. "_Captain, there are bogeys on our tail; again._"

"You're watching that stupid piece of nonsense again?" asked Uther, not pleased and sounding like a shrewish mother (ahem). "I _swear_, Hector!"

"You swear what?"

"If you don't clean this place up, I'm going to sic Serra on you!" But he'd seen the actual show of Space Trek itself, and, well... Curiousity killed the cat, Uther. In this case, it gave him the biggest mass murder of brain cells known to man.

"_Oh, no, we've... GOT to stop this... at once!_" said Captain Weinstein, sounding monotonous.

"Oh my God, Hector!" screamed Uther, shielding his eyes. "Why do you watch this?"

"Eh." shrugged Hector, gulping down some orange-juice.

"Milord, I've returned from spying and/or stealing," said Matthew, entering and speaking quickly.

"...Wha?"

"Nothing," said Matthew suspiciously innocently, standing upright and crossing his arms behind his back in a diplomatic stance. "So..." His eyes shifted over to the television, where he winced in either pain or pity. "Finally set eyes upon what yonder young lordling watches in his spare time?"

"Unfortunately, yes," groaned Uther, leaving the room. "I'm gonna take a nap- don't disturb me! Or steal anything"

"Aww," came Matthew prompt reply, as he shuffled away sadly. Then he re-entered the room, shifted his eyes around, and stole a Guiding Ring. Why? I dunno, really. It's not like _he _needs it...

"_Babe. I've got... you, babe. Only... you, babe._" said Captain Weinstein, sounding like William Shatner.

"...This _is_ stupid..." said Hector, looking for the remote.

Serra entered the room, her hair up in curlers. She yawned, took one glance at Hector, then at the TV and squealed, hopping up and down.

"Oooh, I _love_ this show!" she said, plopping herself down on the couch next to Hector, who just kept watching the stupidest show in Elibe. "Is this the episode where Major Implants admits her undying love for General Franz?"

"...Yeah, I think it is," mumbled Hector, contorting his face into one that showed deep thought. _Hey, how did we get cable? What _is_ cable? What's sci-fi, anyway? Why did the author introduce all of this to us? Is she evil?_ (pauses) _Yeah, she is._ "Yeah, see? She's just gotten on one knee an' pulled out the ring."

"_I swear, General Franz..._" said the voice of Major Implants. "_If we make it out of this alive... I just want to know... Will you take my hand in marriage?_"

Serra looked on the verge of tears, but Hector just munched on his Ostia-O's.

"This is sooo sweet!" sniffed Serra, wiping a tear away.

"_I... I... I _do_, Major Implants!_" came General Franz's voice, sounding overjoyed.

"It's like _All My Servants_ meets _Metroid,_" commented Hector.

"Mm-hmm," nodded the cleric.

Just then, Oswin walked into the room, looking very put out. He practically flung himself down onto the couch, causing Serra to bounce about three feet into the air before coming down. Hector eyed his general before speaking.

"What's gotten under _your_ armor?" asked the young lordling.

"Freaking _duh_, Lord Hector!" snapped Oswin, sounding a lot like Serra. "I've just gotten back from a really, _really_ long walk around the town, and you ask me what's gotten under my armor! GOD, it's like talking to a three-year-old!"

Hector and Serra were silent. Serra looked to be on the verge of tears again, while Hector just stared at Oswin.

"Geez, Oswin, just a walk?" laughed the lordling, slapping his general on the back. He shook off the pain in his hand after a sickening 'crack'ing sound came from the direction of his hand meeting the armor. "I wouldn't've guessed!"

"Of course you wouldn't, milord, you're a dingbat," said Oswin.

"That was straightforward," commented Serra.

"_Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!_" screamed Captain Weinstein. There was an explosion from the television.

Serra gasped, threw herself over the TV and sobbed. Hector cocked an eyebrow. Oswin sighed and rubbed his temples.

"This is going to be a _loooooong_ Saturday..."

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END OF PART I

So. Did you like it? Did you not? You sure? Review and I'll add more! (in a sing-song voice) I'm gonna not compensate you!


	2. Sacae: The Tale of Rath and Pierrdro

Randumbness

A/N: Another chapter of the lovable brain-cell murdering fic known as Randumbness. Ah, it warms me to see that you people actually sorta like it! (breaks down crying tears of joy) So here's a special treat to you all!

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Part II -- The Tale of Rath and Pierrdro

Once upon a time there was a small boy named Rath. His father was Dayan, the Silver Wolf/chieftain of the Kutolah tribe. No, he did not die, for he is in FE6. I've checked. No, I've not played it (because I frikkin' don't live in Japan!).

ANYway-- Rath was a very talkative little boy. In fact, every chance he'd get, he'd torment his father to no end by talking. So, fed up with this, Dayan paid Hanna to come and make a false premonition about little Rath.

"Hrm, hrmm..." said the old hag. "I see a not-so-very-bright future for you, Rath of the Kutolah..." She flipped her hair back, somehow being just as old as she is in FE7. "You will..."

Rath and Dayan waited in anticipation.

"HAVE AN IMPRESSIONABLE DAUGHTER BY THE NAME OF SUE!" said the old hag.

Rath laughed uncontrollably and Dayan gave Hanna a look that said 'you're over-doing it' but she paid him no mind.

"And you will help defeat an evil entity known as Nergal, good day," finished Hannah quickly. "Now, Silver Wolf, pay up."

"Not- yet." Dayan stopped her.

"WHYEVER NOT!" screamed the old hag.

And so Dayan told her of a plot. An eeeeviiil plot. An eeeeviiil, nasty plot. An eeeeviiil, nasty, BAD plot! He whispered to her that they'd send little Rath away with no previsions whatsoever! And that they'd make sure he didn't make it past the forest, because they all hated him! And stuff! Those mean, eeeeviiil, nasty, BAD people!

So the very next day, Rath's daddy sent him off with but one traveling companion-- a yearling foal by the name of... (Fire Emblem fanfare) PIERRDRO!

And so, Rath and Pierrdro enjoyed each other's company, and argued occasionally, but liked each other as best-buds nonetheless.

And they dodged all assassins sent at them! Horjah! And when Rath turned ten, he went to Araphen! And at seventeen, he became Captain of their pathetic little army! And at twenty-five, Lyn came along! And on that very day, he became part of the party of Fire Emblem: Rekka no Ken!

God, I'm having too much fun with this!

And after about a week of fighting with Lyn, he left with no exchange of last words as Lyn and Florina had a very gay moment. Just watch that last cinema scene. You _know_ there's somethin' goin' on. (ahem) But that's beside the point. The point is, that he went off to be in a mercenary group. And they helped people and crap. Eventually, they landed in Ostia and, but who should be there but--

Lyndis! And she talked to him and got him to join the group again! And the tactition used an Orion's Bolt on him and he was able to use _swords_!

Only Iron Swords, though, because he was still a little premature with the idea of using them, but OH WELL!

And Pierrdro changed colors. Instead of being that nice liver color we all came to know and sorta love, he was... _yellow_. Like the sun. Or those sheep you used to color in kindergarten. Or Chrno's ribbon. (snickers)

But I digress. And their adventure continued. Before they knew it, Eliwood was fighting a frikkin' FIRE DRAGON with his awsomely big sword Durandel and kicked its scaly butt from the Dragon's Gate all the way to _Ilia!_

And they didn't like the change in climate, nope.

And so, he went back to the Kutolah, married Random Nomad Chick #6, settled down, had an impressionable little girl named Sue, and eventually became chieftain of the Kutolah.

But Pierrdro's end did not come without _its_ perks--! His daughter went on to be Sue's horse. Isn't that sweet? He and Random Nomad Mare #8 had a little filly. AWWWWWWWW!

And little impressionable Sue helped out Roy, Eliwood's kid.


	3. Dragons: Sugarority Complex

Randumbness

A/N: FF. net won't let me use those hyphons anymore, so that's why you saw the 1's in the last part. Anyway, this part was inspired by a huge cinnamon roll and the hyperness that followed.

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Part III : Sugarority Complex

Nils the dragon. That's what his name was and that was what was on his mail box. Yeah, he took the form of a twelve-year-old (or ten, depends), but many people said he looked fourteen.

Anyway, Nils the dragon liked sugar. A lot. Perhaps it was that, when he was traveling with the humans, they'd buy him little pastries for treats. It could've been the fact that he and Serra would have bets on who could eat the most sugary substances without passing out. Or, maybe it was the time he was stumbling around the dragon realms when his head landed in that vat of 'Scaly Scallop's 100-percent Sugar Cubes' with his mouth open.

So Nils has a sugar-lover complex. I like to call it the 'sugarority complex'.

Unfortunately for two thirds of the army, they had no idea about this 'sugarority complex' that Nils had. So one would have to imagine: When they were crossing through the summit to that one manse place, that, visiting a village, Nils begged and begged Hector for a ginormous cinnamon roll.

Fed up with this on Nils' second beg, Hector gave in.

Oh, what dire consequences would they have to face now that Nils was going to be hypered up!

(five minutes later)

Nils was on the back of one of Vaida's men, waving his arms in the air like a fool and screaming "I'M A MONKEY, I'M A MONKEY!" at the top of his lungs.

Besides that, utter chaos was abound: half of her soldiers were either dead or injured, with several flute impalements around their bruised and battered bodies.

Vaida could only stare on in horror at this; she decided then and there to retreat. Flying away, followed by the other wyvern knights and some foot soldiers who were then killed by Louise and Rath. And Erk. And Fiora. And Hector. And Serra.

And Nils.

Though I highly doubt it, there is a moral to this story: Don't give dragons sugar.

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So that wraps up the 'sugarority complex' thing. We'll see that later on, too. Oh, and this has been spring break, which is why I've been able to update so often and put up the story 'Squinoa for Dummies'. So, after this weekend, I'll have to go back to school. The camping season's just started, too, so I probably won't be able to update as often as I'd like.

Quote of the moment: "I'm sure I can live off of nothing but SquareEnix games for the weekend! Bwahahahaha!" : Me, about half an hour ago


	4. Renault's Bling: Pimp My Charactaa

Randumbness

A/N: Heyo! ...Been a while, hasn't it? ...Yup. Hey, why don't I write about someone who's totally ignored throughout the game?

Oh, let's write about _Renault_- won't _that_ be fun...?

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Part IV : Renault's Bling: Pimp My Charactaa!

Renault the Bishop... sucked. He utterly and thoroughly sucked. Eggs. Lots and lots of eggs. And what was worse, he didn't even know where the eggs came from.

But, well... He wasn't expecting to meet a moron from the New Jersey slums, dressed in a jersey, down-to-the-knee shorts, and a bandanna.

"IT'S TIME FO' _PIMP MY CHARACTAA_!" he shouted in a weird accent. Renault looked very confused and even tried to walk away, but the guy grabbed his robed arm and pulled him back. "Hold on, G! It's time that we... PIMPED YOU UP!"

Renault gave him a confused look. "What?"

"You heard me, Dawg!" chuckled the man, dragging Renault into a tent that wasn't there before. "Robes is _out_, suckah! We need to make you attract the ladies, yo!"

"...But... I look fifty--"

Before he could say anything else, the man had ripped his cloak off- literally. Renault stared in horror at what had once been his silvery-blue cloak, the one that he used as a beach towel when he wasn't around and on vacation not too long ago. Next, the man had his 'assistants' (a group of scantily-clad women) do one of those weird change-thingies where you would _see_ them change the clothes... Just not...

Oh, fine, I'll do this like an RPG would. They went to the Menu Screen, picked the 'Pimp' dressphere (Final Fantasy reference), and then selected Renault to put it on.

"See?"

"He's an old man!" said a random passerby in an annoying voice, before he was shot by P. Diddy.

"Take dat, foo'."

"Anyway, you now ready to pick up chicks, YO!" shouted the man, holding up two large rings that said 'PIMP-STAR' on them, then slipped them on Renault's fingers. Renault stared at him, then blinked in confusion.

"What did you do to me!" he nearly screamed, hoping this was a bad dream. "What did I do to you in your life?"

"You were... BO-RING!" laughed the man, doing some weird gansta symbols with his hands that the author is confused about. "So now, you... Ah, to heck wit it, just have fun, DAWG!"

"...I hate you, I hate you so much," said the normally docile Bishop, picking up his staff (and, in an instant, reclaiming his normal attire, cloak included), then setting the man ablaze with a quick wave of the staff. The man screamed, then ran out of the tent without the laws of physics taking over to light the tent on fire as well. "Take THAT, suckah!"

And that was a pointless look on what happens to characters who aren't popular enough to be in the majority of time it takes to beat a game. Man, poor Renault...

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A/N: To all P. Diddy fans, I'm sorry. To all rappers, I'm _very_ sorry. To all people who think they're ghetto...

Um, go to MacDonald's, or something.


	5. Lucius: Like a Bishop

Randumbness

A/N: I was just thinking... what if Lucius had a theme song? My friends and I debated this for a while, before settling on 'Dude Looks Like a Lady' by Aerosmith. But then I was watching my Weird Al video of 'Like a Surgeon', so... Well, here's a load of crap! 'Like a Bishop'. Oh, God, smite me now. (nothing happens) CRUD.

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Part V : Like a (Freaking) Bishop

(beat starts up)

_I made it through the wilderness!_

_You know I made it through-hoo..._

_Didn't know how odd I was until I found you... _(A/N: He means RAVEN.)

_I was so feminine-_

_Didn't think it'd matter much_

_But I was wrong..._

_Ooh, was I so wrong_

_But I found out the hard way..._

_HEY- Like a bishop!_

_Usin' staves for the very first time!_

_Like a BI-I-I-I-SHOP!_

_Spell books are on my mind..._

_You better give me all your space, there_

_Don't know next when I'll snap..._

_Cross-dressing in a dress- don't know how long I'll last._

_Let me act like a man_

_Just once in the duration of this game-_

_I'll put on some pants._

_Put some pants on_

_And try not to look gay!_

_Like a bishop..._

_HEY!_

_Usin' staves for the very first time!_

_Like a BI-I-I-I-SHOP!_

_Here's where you run... away crying!_

(bridge with Lucius shouting 'whoa' over and over again)

_It's a fact:_

_I'm not masculine._

_This song doesn't rhyme._

_'Cause the author's dumb._

_Yeah, the author's dumb_

_And I'm afraid!  
_

_Like a bishop..._

_HEY!_

_Usin' staves for the very first time!  
_

_Like a BI-I-I-I-SHOP!_

_Got your magic... on my mind!_

_Like a bishop!_

_Ooo-oo-ooh, like a bishop!_

_When I light you on fire!_

_With my spell books!_

_And staves!  
_

_And matches!_

_And lighters!_

(starts saying 'whoa' again)

_I can see the look in your eyes... for the very last time!_

(song ends)

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Eh. I'm not too proud of that. Plus, it would be über scary for Lucius to just burst out like that... And I know that last line doesn't make a bit of sense, but then... neither does this whole fanfiction. In fact, I don't know how long this thing will stand. Until the glorius so-called Armaggedon-laiden year of 2007? Gerhags... But then again, I don't like to look into the future. Besides: YOU CAN'T. When scientists learn this, I will personally feed the whole world with my supply of Pop Tarts and Pringles.

On a more pleasant note: Don't ask my about this. Or any other stories, for that matter. If you do, the spirit of my evil hamster will haunt you. And you wouldn't like that, would you?

Oh, and can somebody tell me what the hell 'LMAO' means? I got that term in a review last week and I haven't been able to figure it out.


	6. Idiotic: Dorcas has Problems

Randumbness

A/N: The grand Part Six! I've done three other versions of this, and it was a pain in the butt!

So now, I give you just something really random. Because I'm listening to dance music. On TV. With rotating titles. (gets a headache) Owies!

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Part VI : Dorcas has Problems

Ah, Dorcas, that one guy with the red hair. I remember him well- he sucked after the first chapter he was in (in my game, anyway...). Yes, he had a very happy ending with his wife, Natalie.

OR DID HE?

Soon after he returned to Bern, he remembered her deadly skin disease and ran around in a blind panic for several hours. After three hours into this blind panic, a man named Bartre met him, and he helped the large man calm down. So the situation was a bit more quiet.

OR WAS IT?

So then they made a deal; they become mercenaries to rake in some cash for Natalie's medicine and perhaps eventual operation. Traveling for some time, they ended up in a bar in a small town in Pharae, where a battle was taking place outside. They joined the young lord in killing random villains, and they did rejoice...

OR DID THEY?

Country after country, random battle map after random battle map they scoured, more and more innocent NPCs joining their Army of Small Size until there was a grand total of... forty two.

OR WERE THERE?

The Army of Small Size's tyranny knew no bounds. Soon they were killing just for fun, not even for profit. It became worse as they made their way into Black Fang perimeters...

OR DID IT?

Soon afterwards, they had slaughtered the entire Black Fang whole into bloody smears on the floor, walls, and ceilings. They killed a _dragon_. In cold blood, nonetheless! ...No, seriously- some dragons are cold-blooded.

OR ARE THEY? (A/N: Yes, yes they are.)

But what of them after that? They continued their reign of Supreme Evil until all that was left of the countries were small cities devoted to the Campaign Against the Army of Small Size.

OR WERE THEY?

Then, without warning, somebody in the army (Serra) was killed. This scared the Weenies of Evil, so they scattered, took up different names, and went on with their lives.

(insert accusing question here)?

And then Dorcas returned to Natalie with the money, got her some medecine, worked for the rest of his life, _finally_ had enough for her operation, and... well, they died.

THE END...

OR IS IT? (gets bricked)

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I know that wasn't entirely about Dorcas... But it made some sense (in certain spots- if you squint your eyes hard enough, you can see something resembling a plot!). No, no it didn't. I'm sorry for lying to you.

Regarding _why_ I haven't written anything about Fire Emblem: The Sacred Stones... Well, I have yet to get that game, but when I go to Wal-Mart tomorrow, and if I see it, I will get it. For now, however (and probably for a while longer), I will continue writing about the first FE in the US. So there.


	7. Stupid: Cheap Advertising

Randumbness

A/N: Well, I've gotten FE:SS, and I LIKE IT! Yayness of Yay! Anyway, I'm wide-awake during the wee hours of the afternoon, ya know? Got my eyes wide, my foot tapping unconsciously, and my eye twitching for some odd reason! ...I'm so freaking weird!

And it's my dear friend Hannah who has A.D.H.D! WowZERS!

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Note: The following is an advertisement for a completely fictional fanfiction. Do not expect it to make it to being written, for it is beyond the author's comprehension, and probably yours, too. Because the author's crazy like that.

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Part VII : Cheap Advertising

(Music blares in the background, somewhat heroic or dramatic)

"_THIS FALL..._" said that wacky narrator, Joe Narrator, dramatically and totally too enthusiastically. "_...A FANFICTION OF IDIOTIC PROPORTIONS THAT IT BEATS ALL THOSE BADLY-WRITTEN GUYxMATTHEW SMUTS HOGGING THE ROMANCE SECTION..._"

"What happened to her?" asked Franz dramatically, pointing at Eirika, who was just standing there sort of awkwardly. "Her hair..."

"It's too late!" shouted Ross urgently, holding up a beaker full of some sort of red liquid. "She's already infected!"

Eirika bared her newly-acquired fangs, roaring unconvincingly.

Ephraim was standing with Seth in some sort of military-planning room, when the lights buzzed out. "GASP!" gasped Seth. "He's cut the lights!"

"How can he cut the lights? He's a... TACTITION," finished Ephraim overdramatically, turning to the computer screen with wide eyes.

Garcia was talking on a phone in a room. "Get me my tactition back!" he screamed into the receiver, practially bludeoning the phone-holder-thingy with the actual phone itself. He then rubbed his temples in frustration.

Eirika was then with the tactition (A/N: From the first FE in the US, since SS doesn't HAVE one. I'm cheap like that...) in a large boiler room. The tactition was also nonchalantly holding a bomb with a ticking alarm clock.

"Cut the green wire, tactition! The green wire!" yelled Eirika, right before the alarm went off and a small, very fake-looking explosion occurred with Eirika outrunning it and being volted forward by the force. "AAAAAH!"

"Good... GOD! He's trying to get into my head!" said Seth, gripping his head in either pain or some psychological emotion. The tactition was just sort of standing there, blinking. "AARGH!"

"Which tactition is it...?" asked Eirika, pointing her rapier from one identical tactition to the other in what appeared to be desperation. Closing her eyes while the tactitions argued amongst themselves, she let out one large sweep of her sword- killing them both instantly.

"_THE TOTALLY NOT-RIPPED-OFF FANFICTION OF ÜBER-COOLNESS AND IT REALLY ROX MY SOX_," Joe Narrator gasped for breath, then continued: "_BY W.S. MCCLOUD- THIS FALL ON OR WILL IT BE? WHO _KNOWS?"

(Credits role: "No characters belong or were used by W.S. McCloud in any way, because she's a major loser. The cast belongs to Nintendo, not her. The title, sadly, does belong to her, and she's very ashamed of herself. Joe Narrator is property of W.S. McCloud, and you shall not use him without the author's permition (A/N: Though why you would, I'd have to wonder...). She also does not support any pairing with the name 'Eliwood' in it anymore, unless it involves Fiora, which is the only thing she can agree with some people on. This has been the very long disclaimer of disclaimingness, and it claims NOTHING!")

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Whoo. Got that idea after watching this video game reviewing show called 'X-Play' (very funny, very judgmental), except that included a monkey instead of a tactition. It just seemed to follow the Fire Emblem thing, though, and it was funny doing all the obvious parodies of movies that fit into the skit. And it didn't have a narrator, so that is my idea...

And God, I really am not writing 'The Totally Not-Ripped-Off Fanfiction of Über-Coolness and it Really Rox My Sox. If I did, I'd have to despose of it somehow... I know! I'd write it, then not save it! WowZERS again, I'm on a role! (gets bricked and beat with sticks) Sorry if I _still_ don't support EliwoodxNinian, but I just don't like it... Everyone's entitled to an opinion, and I'm opinionated! (Not in public though.)


	8. Parody: Karel Little

Randumbness

A/N: Gerhags that last part was a bit... _too_ random... (thinks this over for about half a second) Nope. Just right... Anyway, I meant to thank all the nice people who told me what LMAO meant! I'm sorry your praise and glory comes so late!

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Part VIII : Karel Little

Once upon a time there lived a very pretty and sort of scary man named Karel. He had long, flowing black hair and burning yellow eyes of DOOM that made the author's friend freak out. He was also from Sacae, but that only sort of matters as much as the rest of the... uh, plot?

Anyway, one day Karel was walking along in a conveniently-placed and totally illogical forest in the middle of the plains, humming happily to himself, a bounce in his peppy step. (A/N: (confused) Are you sure it's _Karel_ we're talking about?) Then, very suddenly, something hit him on the top of his noggin!

"Ow..." he muttered under his breath, then lost all merriness and began cursing violently. When he was done, he looked around, and, seeing nothing, looked straight up. Totally bypassing the fact that the tree he happened to be under was bearing acorns, he saw a small speck of the sky through the canopy. Then an evil thought occurred to him: "Why, I think the sky is falling..." He paused, then smiled, pleased.

Now whistling a tune to himself, he walked out of the forest, and came upon Lyndis kind of just... standing there...

"Hello, Karel Little," she said sort of stupidly, blinking at him and smiling. He gave her a bland look. "How are you today?"

"The sky is falling," grunted Karel bluntly, turning as if to walk away. Lyndis grabbed his sash before he could, which kept him there, even if he was about to rip her arm off.

"What's that you say, Karel Little? The sky is falling?" Lyndis's eyes widened in either fear or incomprehension. "That's horrible!"

_No it's not_, spat Karel mentally. He simply sighed and pushed her away from him, effectively detaching her from his sash. He walked forward again, but was followed by a worried-looking Lyndis.

They soon came upon Rath, who's head was tilted a bit to the side, drool hanging from his mouth. His horse, Pierrdro, snorted at their approach.

"My, my, it's Sleepy Rath!" giggled Lyndis, skipping up to him and simply pushing him off of the horse.

Karel stared down at the heap that was Rath, as the green-haired nomad slowly woke up. Rath yawned, then looked from Karel to Lyndis. "Hello, Karel Little, Preppy Lyndis," he greeted in a monotone, standing up and remounting Pierrdro. "How fare thee today?"

"The sky is falling," Karel sighed, sounding somewhat bored.

Rath gasped, equally as bored-like. "Oh, no... You're not pulling my leg, are you?"

"Not at all, Sleepy Rath!" said Lyndis, a worried look on her face again. "Karel Little told me not two minutes ago, and we of Sacae never lie."

"Yeah- your chips weren't that good..." sighed Rath (A/N: You'd have to read Nomads United to get that one...). "So, should we inform others of this terrible happening?"

"Why not?" Lyndis said cheerilly, despite the fact that only a second earlier she looked as though she'd pee herself. "Come, Karel Little, Sleepy Rath, let us tell others of our findings out!"

In all truth, Karel didn't even intend to let them follow him around for very much longer. But this was just ridiculous- he'd felt the sky fall, but he didn't know that they would react so oddly to it! Crud, Karel, you're losing your mind! ...Oh, wait... It's been lost...

After walking a short distance, they came upon Guy trying to grab a butterfly out of the air, glaring at it and stuff.

"Well, if it isn't Girly Guy," yawned Rath. "How is your day?"

"...Complicated!" grunted Guy, just as he was about to grab that little bugger, but it fluttered out of his reach.

"Karel has some terrible news," Lyndis said, looking scared again. Guy blinked, still trying to get the elusive butterfly.

Suddenly, Karel stabbed it with his Wo Dao, stopping a quarter of the idiocy before him. "The sky is falling," he said after a dramatic pause.

Guy blinked again. "Wha... What are you talking about?" He looked into the sky. "I see no sky falling..."

Lyndis pulled his hair violently, nearly ripping his scalp off. "Silly Girly Guy! A Sacaen never lies!" she rhymed moronically, giggling again.

"Ouchies!" he screamed, gripping his head in pain and falling to his knees. "Oh!" he squeaked, wincing in horrific pain.

"Now come, Karel Little, Sleepy Rath, and Girly Guy! We must warn our fellow nomad-folk!" urged Lyndis.

The last Sacaen they came upon was none other than Karla. She was drinking a chocolate milkshake she'd acquired from nowhere in particular.

"Good day to you... um..." trailed Guy, for a loss of what to call her.

"Silly Karla," said Karla, smiling pleasantly. She turned to her brother. "So good to see you, Brother."

"The sky is falling," he murmured sort of evilly, looking thoughtful for a moment. Karla gasped overdramatically, tossing her milkshake in a random direction. It just ended up hitting Rath in the face as he was falling to sleep again.

"GASP!" gasped Karla again. "But, Brother! That's horribabble!" She continued to rant while Karel wondered how these sort of intelligent people's IQ's had dropped so darn much in under twenty-four hours. "How can you look so blank at a time like this? This might be the end of the world!"

"Nah," chuckled Karel, totally out-of-character. He quickly scowled. "If it _was_ the end of the world, dragons would roam the Earth and hellfire would rain down on us from on high."

Nils and Ninian happened to be strolling by when he said this, and Nils was holding a Gameboy (har-de-har-har!).

"Put that Perpetual Dreamstate game down," Ninian said softly, trying to pry it out of his grasp. "It'll hurt your eyes."

"For the last time, Sister, it's _Final Fantasy_, not Perpetual Dreamstate!" Nils yelled, his eye twitching as he tried to keep a hold on his precious Gameboy.

Ninian looked a bit put off, but frowned and tugged harder on the gaming system. "It never ends, Nils- the name itself is ironic," she clucked all parental-like.

He glared up at her. "I've almost beat Ifrit, though! How could you be so heartless, Ninian?" A tear rolled down his cheek, but then he pulled his portable gaming system colser to himself, trying to cradle it affectionately. "I lurve it wit all me heart..."

The girl cocked an eyebrow at him, her hands still firmly on the Gameboy. "You've been having sugar again, _haven't_ you?" she gasped, then stuck a hand into one of his pockets, only to find- "A CANDYCANE? It isn't even winter, you little sneak! You know how sugar affects you!"

"Yes, but that hasn't stopped me from having it, now _has_ it?" he snapped back at her, grabbing the candycane and stuffing it into his mouth.

As Karel, Lyn, Rath, Guy, and Karla were still debating in which form Armaggedon would kill them all, Ninian turned into her dragon form and glared down at Nils. He glared right back.

"Bring it, SISTER," he hissed, spitting the candycane out at her.

Now, before you ask, the nomads happened to be under some trees. ACORN-filled trees. So when Ninian started chasing her little brother around and causing small tremors, the acorns all fell and bludgeoned our unsuspecting Sacaens mercilessly.

"The sky _is_ falling!" screeched Karla, running away, quickly followed by Rath, Guy and Lyndis.

Karel stayed behind. Not because he was petrified in fear (because... um... well, he isn't that kinda guy, ya know- of course you know!), but because he was smiling in a satisfied way again.

So what if the world was ending? He could still hear people's screams for mercy.

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Okay, that went a little into the 'Parody' zone, which is why... this is... 'Humor/General!' Because it's mainly humor, but has underlying secondary genres just covered up by the senseless idiocy! I have a book with 'Chicken Little' as the only story, but I couldn't find it to make it accurate, but, hey... It's a parody, not a retelling.

Um, sort of... But, anyway, the Sugarority Complex sort of peeked out from being ignored for so long there! And Karel was unusually calm and not talking about killing things! Whoa! What was he on? And why were the others so stupid? Well... Um... I don't know! But I had a hard time deciding what to call Karla, since I named all the others... And this is a bit longer than the other parts, but don't mind that! It's in Roman Numerals, just like Final Fantasy!

(PS: I'd like to give credit for 'Perpetual Dreamstate' to my mom, who suggested it while I was playing Final Fantasy X.)


	9. Therapy: Erk and Dr Pent

Randumbness

A/N: Hey, if you've played FE:SS, you'll notice that L'Arachel is actually... sort of annoying. Not as annoying as Serra, but STILL. I think there's somethin' going on here...

Perhaps... A CONSPIRACY?

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Part IX : Erk and Dr. Pent

Erk was a troubled little mage, and he often had to confide in the only one who would listen to him- his teacher (or, whatever), Lord Pent. Of course, it was hard to catch him when he wasn't making out with his wife, Louise, during a fight, so he had to time his approaches very carefully in fear that he'd be yelled at.

He had a very open chance one day when they weren't fighting anybody in particular. In all actuality, they weren't fighting anybody even _worth_ fighting, but they were picking up much-needed dropped weapons and Matthew and Legault were stealing from innocent bystanders.

"Erm, Lord Pent?" he asked somewhat timidly, since Pent was looking rather thoughtful. "Do you have a moment?"

"Yes, I do... uh..." His eyes narrowed as he tried to think of Erk's name. (A/N: Why would he forget him? Pent taught him various mad magic skillz!) "Irksome, was it?"

"Erk, milord," sighed the boy, rubbing his temples in embarrassment. "The one you taught everything about magic and whatnot."

"Oh, yes- you." The silver-haired man chuckled to himself for a few minutes, before sighing deeply and talking again. "What do you want, Irk?"

"It's Erk. And I wanted to know... Can I talk to you about something? I fear my fragile psyche is being damaged more and more by that wretched Serra girl," Erk blurted out, looking very much as though he would burst into tears. "She won't stop talking to or stalking me!"

"Well, Erm-"

"Erk."

"Yes, whatever," Pent waved nonchalantly. "I believe she has taken a liking to you. I remember my youth, when my dear Louise and I were but fifteen-ish, and she wouldn't leave me alone for more than five seconds." He then looked down to think. "Come to think of it, I had to run away many times from her..."

Erk looked distressed. "No! Not Lady Louise! She is too perfect!" He gaped in wonderment. "How could she be like Serra?"

"How can anybody be like anybody else, Erf?"

"Erk."

"Yes, yes, that doesn't matter." He chuckled again. "What _does_ matter is that you end up getting married- a married man is a... content man. And then perhaps children! Yes, I'll suffer grave nightmares of your hellish children, but they may become more tolerable once they grow up a bit."

"You're so cheerful for somebody who just said that Serra's children will be like the Devil's himself!" Erk looked even more distressed. "I don't want to marry her! I don't want anything to do with that wife of Dracula! She's unholy! A demon! Not meant to be from a clergy!"

"Oh, stop ranting, Nerf-"

"Erk."

"Whatever," Pent replied curtly, looking a little annoyed. "If you don't quit worrying, you'll lose your hair and get wrinkles!" He then spotted his dear wife. "Ah, yonder lovely wife awaits. Fare thee well, young Jerk-"

"My name is Erk!" shouted Erk, tugging on his hair and glaring at Pent with sheer rage. "I can't see why you can't remember my name! AARGH!" He ran off, and, now that he'd blown his cover, Serra chased after him, screeching.

Louise approached, a confused look on her face. "What did you do to him, my lord?" she asked.

"Ah, I just didn't get his name right. It's like when I tried talking to Carry (Canas), Herbert (Hawkeye), and that Fred (Fiora) girl..." Pent smiled at Louise. "But I'll always remember your name, deary."

"You couldn't remember my name the first week I met you," Louise said in a no-nonsense voice, quirking an eyebrow at her husband. "You thought my name was Leonard."

"Oh, did I? Huh. I'm terribly sorry, dear."

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God knows where the inspiration for this crap came from. Oh, yes, I know... from NOWHERE. From the dark abyss in Sonic the Hedgehog games, that, when you fall into it, you die a horribly nonviolent death. That gorge in Death Valley outside of Kakariko Village in the Legend of Zelda, where, if you jump off like a fool (like I did), you disappear. And many more places...

Anyway, don't ask why Pent can't remember people's names... He just CAN'T for some reason. Also, I've had a lot to brood on during Summer Vacation, so that's why I've been able to update four days in a row. But don't expect any parts over this weekend, because I'm going camping. But come next Monday, watch this fanfiction... for it may hold my last updates until I have to go to school... again.


	10. Ewan: Shoelace Head

Randumbness

A/N: Again, I've had to write a few versions of this Part, because it's been so hard to decide what to do. I wanted to write something about Hector as a werewolf (which you may or may not see in later Parts), but then, today, I got the Nintendo Player's Guide for FE:SS, and I noticed that- GASP- Ewan has a shoelace tied around his head. So this chapter's dedicated to Ewan, the Shoelace-Head.

Also, I now support the Eliwood/Cloning Machine pairing, because it makes a lot of sense, if you really think hard about it... (Thanks to Lemurian-Girl for that one.)

Sidenote: All personalities in FE games are reused more than once. It doesn't take a lot to notice this. Just pointing that out, sorry.

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Part X : Shoelace-Head

(_With author's commentary!_)

_You know, the first time I saw Ewan, he made me think of Nils. That's probably because he looks almost exactly like him, only with a part in his hair and a different outfit and hair-color. Probably the same age, though..._

Ewan was a young furling of a boy when he realized that he really wanted to learn magic. So, he went to some weird guy named Saleh (called 'Salah' in a zip file the author has), and the sage had an interview with him.

"Well... Ewan, was it? How old are you?" asked the gray-haired sage, cocking an eyebrow.

"I'm nine!" squealed Ewan, very excited.

_...And he even has an older sister! Of course, I didn't know _that_ until I actually got the game..._

Saleh scanned him with his eyes before saying, "And you want to learn magic?" His look was now skeptic.

"Ya-huh!" answered the red-haired boy, nearly bouncing in excitement. He really did look excited, the author had to admit... "Will ya teach me, Mister? Huh? Huh, huh, huh? Will you teach me? Huh, Mister? Will ya? Will you?"

"Um... if you stop talking like that..."

...And_ she's a Dancer. Man, it was like she's just an older, red-haired version of Ninian! I betcha that's it... Probably just got a costume change because they wanted her to look new..._

"Okay!" yelled Ewan, shutting his mouth but still bouncing on his heels in anticipation. He bit his lip excitedly.

Saleh took a few moments to write things down on a piece of notebook paper he had, looked over Ewan again, then sighed. "Well, I won't lie to you, Ewan. You... are a whimp. A tiny, frail butterfly compared to all those big stag beetles out there who could pummel you with one fist."

"Awwwww..." groaned the boy, looking down-trodden.

"Not to worry, however, young furling boy," said Saleh, smiling sort of pleasantly. "You are just the right body-type to learn MAGIC!" He waved a hand around... uh... 'mysteriously' I suppose you could say, but it looked rather goofy, see. And perhaps 'mysterious' was the best word for the usage of his hand.

"Yayness of Yay!"

_...But, then again, most of the characters in FE8 are exactly like those in FE7. Like... uh... Franz! He's just like Lowen, except his hair isn't in his eyes. And Franz is blonde... But I'm freaking sure it has something to do with the fact that whoever comes up with how the characters act can't use different personalities! Only about one person in the WHOLE WORLD has your personality!_

"But... you could use a better fashion sense," said Saleh, sounding much like a popular girl at the author's school who only cares about herself and has absolutely nothing funny to talk about (yet her friends always seem to freaking laugh). Yes, that was both popular-girl-and-Mary-Sue-bashing- IN ONE LITTLE BUNDLE!

Although, what Saleh said was _very_ true. Ewan had rags on- I mean, like those rags you see orphans in in London orphanages. Wow. That's... not that funny...

"Now, if you'll follow me, I'll get you some _good_ clothes." With that, they walked into a large walk-in closet (A/N: Wow, that was the _first_ repetitive sentence in this shor-story! No, Yayness of Yay does not count, for that is a sentence fragment.). About twenty minutes later, Ewan skipped out of it, wearing a red tunic with gold-threaded lining, some brown shorts, poorly-sewn shoes, a blue shawl around his waist, and a sky-blue cape.

"Yayness of Yay!" he cheered happily, staring at Saleh with wide, happy eyes. The sage smiled back awkwardly. "Thank you, Mister! I love these clothes!"

_...And then there's Final Fantasy main characters. I mean- only Tidus and this new guy- Vaan, or whatever- are the peppy ones! Yuna was angsting _so much_ in FFX-2, and that game isn't as good as its prequel. I don't like girl-power!_

Saleh then realized- this young furling boy was missing something... something so vital, so important, that it just stuck out unnecissarily... to the MAX!

"You need something like a headband, boy," said Saleh.

Ewan stopped chattering stupidly and looked at him, confused. "...HUH?"

"You heard me." So, he went about looking around- which absolutely no British writer can use, if you've ever read Harry Potter or the Lord of the Rings; they just looked 'round- the room, searching for something to wrap around the boy's head. But... he found nothing. Then he saw his shoelaces... "Aha!" He removed the laces, tied them together, and then tied them around the young boy's head.

Ewan looked very confused, as I'm sure you may be right now.

_...But enough ranting out of me. I'm here for the commentary! See, Joe Narrator does the narrating, and I do the author notes! No, Joe's not real... But it'd be sort of cool if he was..._

"What did you _do_, Mister?"

"I gave you a stylish fashion statement, young Padawan," replied the sage, smiling widely. "Now, come. You must learn MAGIC-" he repeated the mysteriously goofy movement of his hand- "and I shall teach you."

And then they walked out of wherever they were, and Ewan learned MAGIC. Yayness of Yay! Whoo-hoo!

_...And, then, Joe... Oh, bugger, the story ended! That's the last time _I_ do a commentary..._

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Yes, I actually did say those things one day, playing the game. Not the whole thing where I knew that I was doing a commentary, but still, it was funny. And Ewan's nickname is Shoelace-Head now. And my new catchphrase is 'Yayness of Yay!' if you could not gather from the repeated uses of it.

Also, if you couldn't tell, I like Star Wars (the first three movies better than the recent ones, but Episode III was pretty good) and Harry Potter, and the Lord of the Rings. Don't expect to _ever_ see a Star Wars fanfiction out of me, nor a Lord of the Rings story, but do expect to see 'If Harry Potter were Evil for a Year', coming out when I decide to finish writing the first chapter.


	11. Note: The Steak Message

Randumbness

A/N: The inspiration for this drabble came from Animal Crossing's official website. See, there's this code you can use to get special items from the shopkeep in your town you build (or, whatever), and it's _reeaaally_ weird. Just so you know... when I write fast (not on ze compooter), my handwriting comes out really crappy. And sometimes, unintelligible. Sooooo yeah.

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Part XI : The Steak-Message

It was a beautiful, sunny day at the port village Badon, and Eliwood's sorry excuse for an army were waiting outside of a bar for Eliwood and Hector. They'd said something along the lines of 'finding a ship', but the army was too preoccupied so it was pretty vague what they were actually doing in there.

Sain and Kent were by a fence outside a small red-housed building, looking at the ocean. Needless to say, Sain, ever the nosy one, wondered what they were doing in the bar.

"I wonder what they're doing in the bar?" he asked, blinking.

Kent gave him a 'whatchoo talkin' bout?' look, but that was grammatically incorrect, and Kent is always grammatically _correct_, so the look obviously said 'what are you talking about?' instead of the latter. "That, Sain, is none of our business." He then looked back out at the sea, watching the sun glimmer off of its surface-

"I mean, they could be getting drunk and we wouldn't even know it," continued the green-clad cavalier. "The tactition's in there, after all. We need him... her... uh, 'it' to lead the tactical advances of yonder army, right?"

His red counterpart didn't look nearly as amused as Sain probably felt, asking a question like that. (A/N: If you think about Sain, that sentence was probably laced with all sorts of underlying innuendo.) Instead, he furrowed his brow, and tried to concentrate on the water harder.

"And if _they're_ getting to drink so much, why not us? I haven't had anything to whet my whistle in like, two days." He frowned, looking thoughtful. "And furthermore, just because they're the lords of their respective countries, they think they're better than us? Ha, I say!"

"Sain, they _are_ better than us," replied Kent, shifting his eyes over to the other cavalier for a moment, then setting his gaze back on the salty water.

"So, Kent? We should _at least_ get something to drink. I'm thirsty. I want something to eat-" As he said that, a piece of steak smacked him in the face, A-1 Steak Sauce dripping off of it, and it left a trail of it as it slid down his face and plopped onto the ground. He looked disgusted that such a thing had happened, and, even moreso, that it had happened to _him_.

There were a few minutes of uncomfortable silence between the two as they stared down at the steak- which was sitting peacefully and innocently on the grass at Sain's feet- awkwardly. Sain, of course, was staring at it awkwardly because it had just slapped him on the face, but Kent was staring at it awkwardly because it had a steak sauce-soaked piece of paper attached to it.

As the red-clad cavalier leaned over to pluck off the piece of paper, Sain's look of disgust turned into one of anger. "Who threw that at me? Who would DARE to do such a thing?"

"Probably any woman you've ever spoken to," sighed Kent, standing up straight and folding out the wet paper. Although it was soaked in steak sauce, the writing on it was still pretty visible. Curious, Kent started to read it silently to himself:

_"To whoever has received this letter, I would like to inform yov that 1, teh tactitiun, haue jost been in a conversation with Lords Eliwoud and Hectur, und we are to rully aruund the bur in fiue minvtes. Luve- Tactition."_

Kent furrowed his brow again, looking over the paper again. It was pretty intelligible when it started out... but then the handwriting obscured most of the words. He got the gist of it (that they were supposed to rally around the bar in five minutes), but he couldn't understand how the tactition could produce the same chicken scratch Kent found in Sain's diary- I mean, journal. Not that he ever did things such as snoop around his best friend in the whole wide world's personal belongings.

It took him a moment to react when Sain snatched the paper from his hands. "What is this? It's hardly readable."

"Oh, really? I thought you could read that type of idiotic rambling, seeing as it looks just like your handwriting," Kent WOULD have said, had he been that kind of person. But he wasn't, so he settled with an annoyed look and said, "It says we're supposed to rally 'round the bar in five minutes, you moron."

"Oh, okay. But I still can't read it..." muttered the green cavalier. "But, does that mean that the tactition threw that steak at me?"

"Most likely, but I wouldn't put it past Lord Hector, either, from what Sir Oswin has told me."

"What, that he throws steaks at random innocents?" Sain sort-of retorted in an offended voice.

"I suppose. But that's not important- what _is_ important is that we inform other people of this steak-message and make sure they follow orders. Come, Sain."

And so, they _did_ inform all the other members of the army, but not many of them were listening, so it was vague as to where they were going to go or what they were going to do. So, when Fargus came storming out of the bar to play tag, they scrambled like cockroaches under a lightbulb.

The moral of this story: Always, _always_ listen to random steak-messages sent by a tactition. Or Lord Hector. You know, whoever threw it.

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Okay, now that was sort of a 'spur-of-the-moment' kind of piece. Indeed, I make my 'u's look like 'v's and vise versa. And my 'a's look like 'u's and 'o's look like 'u's and stuff. That's confusing. Let's just say that I don't have the best handwriting when I'm in a rush.

Oh, yes, and I'm glad you guys are _still_ reading this. Later this year I shall have a special 'Christmas' part, which may or may not come out during Christmas, because when it comes to lazy, I'm one of the laziest people I know (besides my friends, who don't do their work in class and put it off for homework... erm, like _I_ do, sometimes...). And then some. Anyway, I hope you got some cheap laughs out of that one like I did. Hey, did you notice that Sain and Kent were slightly in-character? Yayness of Yay!


	12. Cookies: The Bake Sale

Randumbness

A/N: Hallooo! You know, in the game, I ran short on gold in the later chapters... So, that's sort of where this idea sparked. I was also reading a very funny Harry Potter fanfiction ('Once Upon a Freakin' Time'- go check it out, it's under my favorites!) and was inspired like I haven't been in _days_. So, yeah...

Note: This chapter is dedicated to _all _who have read, and/or reviewed, this story since its wee stages of developement.

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Part XII : The Bake Sale

"You want us to hold a _what_?" gasped Hector, exasperated, as he stared at Eliwood unbelievingly.

"It's not _my_ idea, Hector!" he said, a worried look on his face. "The tactition suggested it, and out of everything- especially that god-awful idea about selling copies of the author's other fanfictions on the Black Market- it was the best. So... we're holding a bake sale. You know anybody who can bake?"

"Well, I'm pretty sure Matthew can..." muttered the blue-haired lord. He received blank stares from Lyn and Eliwood. "What? He made me my last birthday cake, okay? And he didn't steal it, I saw him whip it up and shove it in the oven!"

"Did you watch it bake?" asked Lyn susupiciously, her eyes narrowing with curiosity.

"For the whole three hours," replied Hector, rolling his eyes. He shifted his gaze to Eliwood. "Now, can you _please_ tell us why you're allowing the tactition- who, if you've read the last part, has horrible spelling- to write down what we'll be selling on a board behind the main stand?"

"Well, we actually talked about that, and Canas agreed he'd write down everything... 'it' mentions. So, who else besides Matthew can bake? I'm positive that Lowen can, and possibly Rebecca... Lyndis, do you have any suggestions?"

"Geez... I dunno. My cooking sucks major eggs, but the one who could actually cook anything would probably be... erm... Lucius, I suppose," sighed Lyn, blinking a bit as though very confused. "He looks like the type to do that kind of thing, doesn't he? I think he told me he liked baking..."

"Okay, well, that's a start," said Eliwood optimistically, turning to look at the rest of the army, who were all shifting around in anticipation. _But, still._ "All who can use an oven properly, step forward!"

There were only ten people who walked beyond the crowd: Florina, Fiora, Matthew (who looked proud for some reason), Lucius, Priscilla, Louise, Lowen, Rebecca, Renault, and...

Lyn and Hector stifled laughter, as Eliwood quirked an eyebrow at the last person. "Harken? I didn't know you were kitchen-wise..."

"Well, you learn something new every day, milord," replied the blonde Hero pleasantly, smiling as if nothing were out of the ordinary. "And, if you've ever tasted what Isadora makes, you'd probably have to have your stomach pumped."

"It's not _that_ bad," whined Isadora from the crowd, glaring at him.

"Yes, well, I'm sure you guys will make something very good," reassured Eliwood, avoiding looking at Isadora. "Right." His stomach did a flip. _Waitaminute... There's something REALLY important we need for a bake sale..._ "OVENS!" he screamed like the author's stupid friend who dances as if in a rave to slow rock-and-roll music.

"...Oh. Oh _crap_," blurted Lyn, smacking her forhead, gritting her teeth. "We do need ovens, don't we?" She turned to Hector, who nodded dramatically. "Next time, we need to remember to plan these sorts of things out."

Two hours later, they'd 'confiscated' a small house, and, after tying, gagging and stuffing the family into the upstairs closet, they began to use the oven to make the various foodstuffs.

Two more hours later, the stand was set up, and the people who were up to it were trying to persuade passer-by's to buy their baked pastries. One man tried a cheese Danish, smiled critically, then paid the 100-gold fee. Yes, that is a bit high, but they were freaking desperate.

Two _more_ hours later, they had over two-thousand gold, and almost all of the baked goods were gone. In fact, the best-selling items were Harken's gingerbread men cookies, which were all iced to look like Isadora.

"For you, my sweet," he chuckled, handing her one of the cookies. She took it, smiled, and took a bite.

"I'd say this is... a moderate success," sighed Erk, a bit embarrassed to see that Louise and Pent were also doing something like this (except Pent was gushing over the fact that some snickerdoodles she'd made were the same shade of gold as her hair).

"Well... yeah," sighed Heath awkwardly, since this is his first being mentioned in the whole fanfiction. "Why wouldn't it be? We got some top-notch bakers here."

Secretly, though, he wished he could have made his famous wyvern-shaped sugarcookies.

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Good lord, I turned several people into fruits. (sighs) Ah. Well. The end of that was 'cute' at best, and 'stupid' at worst. Poor Heath, not being mentioned until now of all times (for, you see, Heath is one of my favorite characters; but I _loathe_ his mullet (aka: his hairstyle, for all you unenlightened non-hair-enthusiasts out there))... Oh well! I'm over it. Yes, that was the dedication chapter I never talked about and never even hinted at, but hey- it was actually the only spur of inspiration I've had since Tuesday.

For, you see, yesterday I had to go to the dentist's and I wasn't in the mood to write anything after _that_, and today I wasn'd inspired until 8:00. Yeah, short stories shouldn't be this much trouble but... they are. What with the rest of the crap I've got up and am trying to do, it gets sort of hard to come up with individual ideas for each part.


	13. Odd: The Black Fang go to Hot Topic

Randumbness

A/N: So I was listening to dance music on the SIRIUS satellite channel on my TV, when I said to myself, "The Black Fang really deserve a part, after all they did to try and bring about Armeggedon." So, pondering, I slept on it (laziness, I tells ya), and, just this morning, when I groggily awoke, I thought, _The Black Fang go to Hot Topic._

That... made me laugh a bit. Seriously- the image of Nergal, Ephidel, Sonia, and Limstella waltzing through such an establishment... Makes me giggle immaturely for some reason. Notice, however, that most of these chapters, although I _am_ slightly trying to stick to the whole 'medeival' thing, are historically inaccurate. Electric ovens didn't exist until the very early '50s. A-1 Steak Sauce didn't exist until sometime last century. Hot Topic... well, I've never been to one, so I wouldn't know. Sugar has always been around, but the earliest signs of it were in Ancient Egypt.

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Part XIII : The Black Fang go to Hot Topic

Four figures dressed entirely in black cloaks (or generally anything black to begin with) seemed to float into the store, which was filled with racks and racks of colorful and very un-subtly-suggestive commented clothing. Of course, only two of the figures were wearing anything that covered their feet, so the other two- one of which had a cut-skirt, the other of which had tight-white pants- just sort of... walked with a gliding gait.

"All right," croaked the first one, who had a turban around his right eye, holding an arm out to stop the other three from walking. "Do you all know why we're here?"

"To get more colorful and noticible clothing," recited the ones in a cloak and tight-white pants, both in monotones, with annoyed looks to boot.

"Good," sneered Nergal, cackling menacingly. Several other people- mostly young women- looked up from their shopping to stare at them oddly. The man then cleared his throat. "Right, well... Limstella, Ephidel, you two go find something worthy of the Black Fang's glory. Sonia, help me find something worthy of the Black Fang's glory."

"Yes, your Evil Greatness," sighed Limstella and Ephidel, starting to drag their feet. Nergal yelled, "HURRY UP!", making them both skitter off instead of slowly and gravely drag their feet. I mean, the NERVE of some people, not doing what their boss says!

"My Lord and Master Nergal, why are we here, of all places?" asked Sonia, very confused. "This crap-hole has absolutely nothing I see that is worthy of the Black... My Lord and Master Nergal, what the heck are you holding?" she asked, cocking an eyebrow.

Nergal was holding a tiny shirt that said 'Skank-a-Roo' in bright silver glitter. He dropped it after Sonia noticed the fact that he was holding something so grotesque. "Erm... Don't you think it would look great on those kamikaze children we've been setting up? Yes, yes I think it would, wouldn't you?"

"We don't... _have_... kamikaze children, Nergal," replied Sonia, her eyebrows raised. She then looked in deep thought. "Well, I suppose that incompetant Nino could have been considered somewhat of a kamikaze child, since we _did_ send her off on that mission to kill Zephiel with Jaffar, but she just _screwed_ that one up so bad that she decided to join the opposition... Darn kids these days, always so freaking rebellious..."

"Yes, that is... _get down_!" he suddenly hissed, pulling her by the arm behind a rack of shorts with 'Hottie' on the backs.

"What is it?" asked Sonia, peering over the top of the rack, only to see Lyn and Florina walk in. She cocked an eyebrow again. "So? It's just two of those losers we hate."

"No- those are one of the losers we hate and her girlfriend," whispered Nergal, having actually _played_ the game, beaten Lyn's story, and saw the very gay moment which I mentioned in Part II. But don't read that, we've already come so far...

"What's your point?"

"Well, see... I sort of made her crazy in this author's other fanfiction, Nomads United, so she might still hold a slight grudge."

"But she doesn't even remember that- hell, the _author_ doesn't remember that."

"...Really? Shoot, she has a very short attention span, doesn't she?" Nergal looked confused.

"Yes, she does."

"But, anywell," said Nergal, standing up straight, "I shall make sure whatever we get strikes fear into those who still have spasms at the mention or hinting at of the BLACK FANG!"

"Oh, please, I've heard worse," scoffed the author, only to be booted out of the story because well, frankly, she just doesn't belong here.

"No offense, Lord Nergal, but the Death Eaters from Harry Potter a bit more creepy than us," sighed Sonia. "They're all horribly ugly people- look at us, we're like the cast from _Days of our Lives_, _General Hospital_, and _All My Children_. We're beautiful- well, I am, anyway."

Limstella and Ephidel, who were both carrying several shirts and shorts in their arms, came up behind them.

"Master Nergal, we found some outfits you might like..." muttered Limstella, somewhat more of a peachy-color than normal, what with most of the Black Fang being as white as the Sins from Fullmetal Alchemist. She immediately pulled out a shirt that said "I am the Devil Incarnate- PH34R M3!", and a pair of shorts with Satan on the left leg.

"Oooh, how terribly evil!" squealed Nergal, clapping his bony hands together in glee. Oh, jeebs... I doubt he's been _glee_ful in a few thousand years.

So they paid for their clothing, and left the store, only to disappear in big billows of black and/or slightly violet-colored smoke.

Lyn and Florina stared after them. "What was all that about?" asked Florina, looking sort of confused.

"Dunno," replied Lyn, shrugging. "But those Death Eaters from that Harry Potter series- which, for some reason beyond my knowledge I am telling you about, are from a children's book- are scarier."

"I agree."

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Yup. That idea I got from this webcomic called 'My Stupid Pathetic Webcomic' (which is hilarious- go check it out on drunkduck . com, without them spaces), where all these poorly-drawn characters were wearing the same thing, which were the same shirt and sunglasses, and this one guy was standing there with a bright blue shirt amongst the black, and he said, "Que?"

You also must notice that I like Fullmetal Alchemist. I have two fanfics up ('That's What Happens When You Don't Pay Your Bills', and its sequel, 'I Know What You Bought Last Summer', both with ridiculously long titles), so, despite all shameless selling out, go check _them_ out too! They're really stupid, but will make slight sense to you... probably not, but ignore that fact!


	14. Filler1: Geico

Randumbness

A/N: This... is a filler chapter from the computer in the next room to mine. See, we're going on vacation for like, two weeks, and I won't be able to update (since my parents have like, weak mobile-line connections and I spend WAY too much time online) from my lap-top. So... here's something!

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Part XIV : Geico

"Well, this certainly stinks..." muttered Kent, having been stuck in the same room with Sain, Serra, Farina, Nils, and Hector for the last twenty minutes. It didn't look like anybody was leaving soon, either.

Perhaps I should explain this predicament: See, since Part Nine, Pent had taken up being a therapist. So, now people went to complain to him (much like Erk), but he always forgot their names. Not that _that_ really mattered, but they at least could get rid of tumor-causing stress.

And that was what Kent, Sain, Serra, Farina, Nils, and Hector (A/N: Only two names of which are spelled correctly, according to StarOffice 5.1) were doing there. Kent, obviously, was there to nag about the fact that Sain never ever gave him a moment's piece, and he, the author, nor narrator wanted to know why exactly everybody _else_ was there.

"Come in, Spent," said Pent.

"It's Kent, Pent," replied Kent, and then mentally chuckled at his lame rhyming.

"Yeah, whatever," sighed the Sage, then said, "Close the door, Went."

"Kent, sir."

"I don't care..." muttered Pent with a very angry look, and in an exasperated tone nonetheless. Kent did close the door, then sat down in a chair opposite to the silver-haired Etrurian lord. "Now, what's your problem?"

"...I think... I think Sain is causing severe problems for me," admitted the red-haired cavalier, furrowing his brow, which is a very funny phrase to write. "He never shuts up, really. Why, just the other day a steak hit him in the face, and he wouldn't stop talking about it."

"Well, Rent-"

"Kent."

"What_ever_," said Pent through gritted teeth. "Look, I think you need to spend some time away from this Pain fellow."

"Well, see now, that's just it," mumbled the red-clad knight of Lycia- which is mentioned in the myth of Chimera in Greek civilization- not bothering to correct Pent's obvious mistake. "He follows me wherever I go. I can't get rid of him; he's always THERE." He elaborated this fact by motioning to the spot in front of him.

"Oh, well... Gent (A/N: Which is a word, mind you), you may need to tell him that you need your space."

"My name is Kent, milord," corrected Kent with a polite cough. "And I _do_ tell him I need my space," he said just as Pent was about to retort rather rudely, "He just doesn't listen! He's always looking at some woman or other! It's very annoying."

Pent arched an eyebrow _sage_ly. "...So, Vent? Who does he look at?"

Kent held out a hand to count the women (with his fingers, you know). "Karla, Priscilla, Ninian, Fiora, Florina, Louise-"

"GASP!" gasped Pent _very_ over-dramatically, standing up. "My darling wife Louise? How _dare_ that green pansy!" With that, he blinked, then sat back down. "Oh, well... At least I saved tons of money by switching my insurance to Geico."

Kent gave him an odd look. "What does _that_ have to do with anything...?"

"Oh, nothing really. It just seemed very appropriate for the current situation."

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Ah, yet _another_ random problem rehash. First, the Sugarority Complex in Karel Little, and now Pent's lack of memory. Oh, how neat. I didn't even really plan for that to happen- just the thought of Pent opening a shrink biz came to mind and I laughed. That, of course, was after I wrote the first author's note and the title...

If you want to suggest something, feel free to do so in a review, or, if you don't want to make it public knowledge, e-mail me (address can be found in bio page; but reviews make me happier). I'm open to suggestions as of now, since tomorrow I'll be on the open road and won't remember most of you who _do_ review.


	15. Canas: Expiration Date

Randumbness

A/N: Halloo! I'm sorry to all those who I lied to by telling you that this part would be the Tractor Cometh, but I restate that: It shall be an _upcoming_ part. Sorry 'bout that. But I'm still going with my original idea to have it in three individual sub-parts, so... yup.

But, for now, here's _Expiration Date_, again based on a very true story that happened to me on the morning of the Nineteenth of September, 2005.

Words of Advice: Never, EVER drink ANYTHING unless you know the expiration date FIRST.

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Part XV : Expiration Date

Canas was a happy shaman. He always had been and he probably always would be. In fact, he was the most happy, polite practitioner of the Dark Arts in the History of Ever. He was also very smart, but that's beside the point.

The point is, he was a polite, happy shaman and practitioner of the Dark Arts wrapped into one convenient half-bespecticaled package, and he had purple hair to boot. Or was it neon purple...?

Well, anyway, he was going through his kitchen one day, which also happened to be the same fateful day that Sain had been hit by the steak-message, and he figured he would make a bowl of cereal. He pulled out his box of Ostia-O's, then moved to his totally historically-accurate refrigderator and pulled out a carton of milk.

See now, Canas was a happy shaman mostly because he always had a good breakfast, and because he himself did most of his family's shopping. That's because, like most men in their twenties-to-thirties, he doesn't care whatever he gets, so long as it is at a reasonable price. He, like most men in their twenties-to-thirties, likes to cut the crap and buy things so long as he can afford them. He, like most men in their twenties-to-thirties, doesn't waste his time like his wife who will not be mentioned because she has no real name and most other women picking out whatever has less carbs, or calories, or grams of sugar, or salt, or the highest Percent Daily Value.

He liked to get things depending on price and nearly price alone, but he always got the best mustard this side of Ostia. Boy howdy, did he love his mustard...

But Canas was an unhappy shaman and became a bit crabby when devoid of what he really wanted. Or perhaps even if he was suddenly smacked by the aweful glove of Fate, or clonked over the head by Fate's thrown shoe. For, you see, when he poured his glass of milk, he did not bother to see the Sell-by date. He did not bother to see when his precious milk for his precious (yet a bit tasteless) Ostia-O's was to go bad, or even just taste funky.

Completely ignoring the date, which read _9-18-05_, he gulped down a mouth-ful of milk, then gagged and spit it out when he noticed that it tasted half-sour, half-waxy. He dumped the rest of the glass of milk into his sink, then dumped the carton of said bovine-secreted beverage into the sink as well.

Then he sighed, disgusted. "Honey, the milk's bad!" he shouted, then poured himself a glass of milk that expired in October, not September.

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A/N: Ostia-O's and the steak-message are in previous parts. I'm going to give a quiz on this, so you'd best be studying, lest you get left in the dust of the people who ACTUALLY pay attention and read this fanfic.

Studied up? Well, here's a sample question:

S: What is the name of the sick, sick mental disorder Nils suffers from in Part Three?

A) Inferiority complex

B) Superiority complex

C) Blah-de-blah!

D) Sugarority complex

E) None whatsoever; it isn't mental, it's dental.

No cheating, now. The answer will be in the next part. The quiz will be after the, oh, say, thirtieth part. So memorize these parts, or you'll NEVER pass my _Wolf's Total Fanperson Test_ come whenever.


	16. Filler2: What's the Deal With Bartre?

Randumbness

A/N: I was just doodling on grid paper when I thought: "It's like they just ran out of ideas, so they made Bartre up." Don't ask me where THAT came from, because I do NOT know, nor do I WISH to know. It was a random thought appropriate for the stupidest fanfiction in the FE section.

Well, besides those badly-written GuyxMatthew smuts in the romance genre. I swear, I almost died of idiocy in that section.

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Part XVI : What's the Deal With Bartre?

Let's face it: Bartre is an idiot.

This is obvious from the first time we meet the big oaf in Chapter Eleven, aka: the first chapter of Eliwood's story. I mean, if _I_ was the one who just randomly walked out of that random tavern with m'random travel buddy, I would NOT run to Eliwood's aid, no matter WHAT my moral values or fighting skill.

And he's not really all that good of a fighter, either. I mean, you know, it's a guilty pleasure of mine to level up the fastest, smallest characters in the game, so then I have a bad-ass team, but then I look back at my big macho guys and I go, "Hmm, I wonder if they really matter all that much...?"

But then I remember that Hector's the only big macho guy that's important to the story, so I shrug and say, "Eh. At least Serra died a long time ago." Then I just putter around doing my own thing.

Still, though... you have to admit, it was like they just... couldn't think of ANY better character or name, so Programmer-san said, "Let's make some muscle-headed, meat-brained giant fool named Bartre, Director-sensei." And then Director-sensei said, "Ah, wise decision, Programmer-san. And I was just about to make you come up with some sissy girly man. Like Reyson from Path of Radiance." And then Programmer-san was all like, "But we have yet to even TITLE that game, Director-sensei." And they were both probably like, "Ah. We will have to give it that title. Good idea!"

...Yeah. That's... probably not how it happened.

And you'd have to briefly wonder if they discussed Bartre's tribute to the Army of Small Size, too. Did he DO anything? ...No. No he did NOT. He just stood around and made small talk with his polar opposite, Mr. Reads-and-drinks-bad-milk-a-lot. And Karla. And where did Fir come from, exactly...?

Well... that's a question best left... for the NEXT filler part (which it will probably not be based upon, you know).

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A/N: Answer to last part's question: D. Like any of you would get THAT wrong. See, I put E in to kinda throw some of you off (like that one guy... whats'isusername...), and Lack Thereof made a very good point: I _should_ have used A.D.H.D. Like what Hannah has! ...I need less crazy friends. I mean, there's this ONE friend of mine who said, 'the Magic School Bus Performs an Excercism', and we all stared at her awkwardly after that! Haha... good times, good times... (wipes away tear)

ANYwell, I DID want to do this part about Hector and a gold-fish, but it just didn't seem to come to me... You know, I'll have to do a continuation of this fanfic, which would include the unused parts from THIS fanfiction. Yeah, you'd probably bludgeon me to death for that, but it may or may not be a good idea. YOU tell ME, and THEN I'll decide to do a Randumbness: Part Deux. Or, maybe... 'Drabbling' or 'Gerhags.'


	17. Lil Eliwood and Hector: Fun

Randumbness

A/N: I realized long ago that FE characters tend to speak of their pasts, oft-time when it's a dramatic scene or some sappy music's playing in the background. Like Lyn in the beginning of FE7. ...Man...

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Part XVII : Fun

Little thirteen-year-old Hector (who was only semi-little) blinked at Semi-Little Eliwood, who had a cup of Play-dough in his hand. The red-head uncapped it, then took a big wiff of the glob of clay. Hector winced.

"I like the smell of Play-dough," explained Eliwood, still smelling the Play-dough fondly. "It smells like... fun."

Hector stared at him, but the Semi-Little Erik (A/N: That ugly guy from that one chapter... yeah.) laughed idiotically at Eliwood's foolish antics. When Eliwood cocked an eyebrow at Hector, the blue-haired boy snapped his jaw shut.

They were in the middle of 'letters class' (As heard of in Chapter (insert number here) in Eliwood's story), and they'd been assigned to make a diorama of the alphabet out of several mini-vats of Play-dough. Why? I don't know. It just seemed convenient that the author happened to be doing this in her science class on the day this was written.

Their teacher approached them. "How's that diorama turning out, boys?" asked said teacher, a middle-aged nun with a pair of rounded specticles (like Harry Potter), and who was also smacking a ruler on it's broad side into her left palm sternly. "I do hope you finish it... TODAY."

The elaboration of that last word _should_ have indicated to them that this class was NOT for playing with the Play-dough. Or smelling it. Even though the name 'Play-dough' does hint at it being for playing, this teacher just would NOT allow it. But, the elaboration went unnoticed, and Play-dough continued to not be used for a diorama and it also continued being smelled.

"How do you figure that Play-dough smells like fun?" Hector asked, still eyeing Eliwood judgementally. Eliwood pointed to the can, which said 'Fun-dough' instead of Play-dough. "...Oh."

"Waaaiiitaminute!" Eliwood suddenly exclaimed, throwing the dough into Hector's hair (where it stuck effectively), "We're in LETTERS CLASS! Not science!"

"This will help you remember the alphabet," explained the nun-teacher.

"I already know my ABCs!" shouted Erik dramatically, but he went unnoticed and ignored.

"Yeah- A-B-C-S-D-U-E!" some random student sang out off-key-edly to prove some kind of point.

But Hector was busy peeling the Play-dough out of his hair and Eliwood was helping him, so they ignored the Erik and the random student.

"Why'd you throw Play-dough in my HAIR?" asked Hector as if it was the most offensive thing that had ever happened to him. Which it... probably was...

Eliwood blinked. "I... I don't know..." he decided thoughtfully, but shrugged and went all noble: "But, by my father's mustache, I will save your hair from the accursed Fun-dough!" Eliwood Eliwooded.

"...Fun..." sighed Hector, effectively ending Part XVII.

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Silly idea with silly inspiration, based on a silly true story. Just today, in science class, we were in groups, ordered to make a 3-D topographic map of an area. We had 'Fun-dough', and some foam stuff from a spray-can, and my friend took a big wad of the Play-dough in her hand and sniffed it long and hard.

"_Hmm... I love the smell of Play-dough..._" she said, "_It smells like... f un._"

And that's where this came from. Note to all who actually care to read: Many things in this story take place in real life. Like the Sugarority Complex, the Expiration Date, and this part. And... some other things I'm not going to mention...

But I've recently been able to be really crazy with my friends (like Hannah, who dressed up as BoA one day at school for some hero-themed day; yes, BoA is her hero (And she says I'm obsessed with Utada... HA!) for some odd reason...) without them minding all that much.

Reason for No Review-Response... Things: I have not the time to do any. I'm very sorry... But, by the time I write a part and update the fanfic, I usually forget what all you nice people had to say to me about Randumbness. It's not you... it's me. Between school, weekend camping trips, and bedtimes, I only have about a few hours each night to go online and read my reviews. And, when I get inspired, it's usually some days after I read your reviews. Sorry- Wolf. With Hugs and Kisses.


	18. Tactition: Bargain Wall

Randumbness

A/N: I've had horrible, terrible writer's block ALL THIS WEEK. I can't even write short stories about things not FE-ish or even fanfiction in general, because I've been stressed out at school. I had an essay test today on _The Outsiders_ (good book, pick it up if you can), and there was this metalic noise all during my English class so I DIDN'T FINISH IT. I took a Kuder exam in Career Orientation that was somewhat pointless, because I already know what I want to do (be an author, dur). I was the only one to work on my U.S. History project, and I probably got all the credit in my group (I have no-good friends like Ashley). Kelley Clarkson is giving me a headache as I write this (her songs are all the same... just with different lyrics...)!

Remember: I take requests. I NEED INSPIRATION, BUT ALAS- I AM DEPRIVED OF IT. You could submit a suggestion/request, and then I could mold it to my liking and write a part just for you, requester of the request! THINK ABOUT IT. You'd get credit for the great ideas! YES. YOU WOULD. I'm NOT LYING.

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Part XVIII : Bargain Wall

The tactition _isn't_ the author. She's just a sub-persona that doesn't really exist, even in the author's wildest dreams. In fact, the author disowns any tactition she ever made up. Ever. She isn't so shallow that she'd use herself as a character in FE, aka the tactition.

No. She goes and creates her own original characters, shapes a story out of the various events that play out in her head, and she DOESN'T put them in existing fan-alterable material. She makes her OWN fiction and her OWN UN-fan-alterable material. It's only alterable to HER.

But... the tactition is insane in the author's mind (since she DOES play the tactition in the game, but the tactition and the author SO aren't the same people), since the author often sends her troops to their often premature deaths by blades, fangs, arrows, spears, axes, and various other weapons of impalement.

So what's the whole point of this part, huh? Why is it called _Bargain Wall_ instead of _The Author isn't the Tactition?_

Because of this nifty song I came up with last year!

_Bargain Wall,_

_Bargain Wall,_

_Ain't like no_

_Bargain hall_

_'Cause we've got_

_All your bargain needs!_

I've been using it as an advertisement at school for some project a long time ago about jobs and crap. It was fun to sing then and it still is to this very day. I hope you liked this part, because it got a hearty chuckle out of me.

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Aaaaaand... that was me being a knave.

I've been so very knavish lately because my best friend switched schools (she'll be gone for a few months, but SHE WILL BE BACK), and I've had a cold, and I JUST heard the Black-Eyed Peas new song, My Humps. Also, I've just recently gotten into liking Naruto BETTER THAN Fire Emblem. It used to be the other way around, but it isn't anymore. Sorry. That crazy ninja's just so addicting to watch!

And today I had eggs, sausage, toast and a glass of milk for dinner. SCREWY, huh?


	19. Eleanora: The Forbidden Love Affair

Randumbness

A/N: I have a headache... my science teacher _almost_ left me, one of my friends, and three of my friend's friends to die in the woods behind our school on Friday. One of those friends is my principal's daughter.

So, we were joking around:

Friend: I can see the headlines now: _Principal's Daughter Found Dead and Maimed in Forest. Four Unidentified Students' Bodies Also Found._

Me: _Unatentive Science Teacher to Blame._

My WHOLE SCIENCE CLASS was there, and he left without us. Well... they were half-way down the hill back to the school without us, but STILL. They ALMOST left us to die. There could have been some crazy slasher in that forest! It could've been terrible! We could've been mauled by a bear!

...Oh, and, just so you know, this has _nothing_ to do with this part of Randumbness. I just felt like telling you guys that.

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Part XIX : The Forbidden Love Affair

You know, Elbert's gone for like, _all_ of the game. And then he dies. What does his loving wife, who looks ten years younger than him, do whilst Eliwood is out playing with his friends?

She probably has an affair. Like... like... uhhh... Bill Clinton. Only without cigars and ugly interns.

Who would she have an affair with, you ask? Probably somebody so unpredictable, so innocent, that it would startle even _herself_.

Like the tactition. If this particular tactition was a man. Or... or... her kid's best friend!

Poor Hector.

Well, that seems like his only option, if you look at it from a certain point of view. Florina's too... lah and Lyn probably doesn't swing the way of blue-haired axe-weilding lords, and poor Eliwood has several girls who fawn over him. Oh, wait... Did I say Eliwood? I meant... NOT Eliwood. Yeah. I meant Serra. And guys. Sure. Let's go with that.

Anyway, onto the story...

"Eleanor, sweet Eleanor, how do I love thee?" Hector said, pulling out a six-foot-long piece of parchment that had about three-hundred reasons that Hector loved Eleanor.

She giggled girlishly as he started reciting them.

Eliwood suddenly barged into the room.

"Dude, she's my _mom_!" he shouted, trying to pick Hector up by the collar but, since Hector is like, two times the size of Eliwood, he had some difficulty so Hector just stood up for him. "And you two can't love each other!"

"Why not?" asked Hector and Eleanor at the same time.

"Because your name doesn't start with an 'E'."

Eleanor gasped, dropping a frilly pink handkerchief with hearts embroidered on the left-hand corner. "It is so!" she cried. "I'm terribly sorry Hector, but we cannot be together!"

Hector was heartbroken, but he picked up the hanky, holding it close to his heart. "I will always remember you, Eleanor."

"And I you, Hector."

Eliwood cleared his throat loudly. Then Hector leapt out of a window, forgetting that he was on the third floor.

Come hither, children, to hear the moral of this tragic tale! ...Never date your best friend's mom, no matter how tempting. Oh, and if their family has a naming scheme, _don't_ interfere if your name doesn't start with the same letter as theirs. Or... change your name... or something.

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Alas, it is like Romeo and Juliet... but without the death, and the fueding families... and the death.

Oh, and if you couldn't gather from this part, I don't think Hector and Florina go together very well. Or Lyn and Hector. Actually, Hector doesn't really go with _anyone_. So that's why I paired up a random unimportant character with the one of the main characters. Eliwood's mom, to boot. Poor Eliwood. Poor Hector. Poor everybody in this part.

Poor YOU. YOU had to read it.

Oh, and Fire Hippo: Thanks for the suggestion, and I'll try to use it, but... I already wrote the part! Oops! Sorry for getting your review late!


	20. Tatics: Breakfast of Champions

Randumbness

A/N: So I was talking to one of my friends in U.S. History... we had projects earlier, about the Revolutionary War. A poster-board by our desks said 'Weapons and Tatics'. I pointed it out and said, "They so obviously misspelled 'tactics'. No, wait... 'attics'.

Then he said, "That sounds like a cereal bran."

So then we made up catch-phrases and titles. And this part is the unfortunate byproduct of our retardedness.

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Part XX : Breakfast of Champions

Lyn was in some kinda room, with a bowl of cereal. She took a spoonful and kept it in her mouth, savoring the flavor, until she decided to chew it up and swallow.

"I'm Lyndis, and I eat Tatics in the morning," she said, smiling. "Tatics have all the nutrients and calcium of something healthy. Like milk, or steak... or something."

She set the bowl down, then pulled out the box, which had the words 'Tatics Bran Cereal' on it in big bold letters. "You can buy them at any cereal retailer, or any general store near you. Don't be a noob- eat Tatics in the morning, evening, _and_ at supper time!"

"Wow! You can eat them at supper time?" asked a stupid little kid who happened to be nearby.

"You betcha!" replied Lyn, then gave a thumbs-up to the kid, who giggled stupidly.

_Tatics is not a real cereal and if you believe so, then you are a fool. Good luck finding people who believe you about Tatics, and the wonderful, wonderful cereal it is. Also, good luck trying to get your friends to get the joke and laugh. _

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That was the shortest part thus far. WOW. Not that I care all that much, though...

THERE IS A TEST IN TEN PARTS! Omg, I hope you're excited, 'cuz I sorta might be!


	21. Shinon n Gatrie: Shino and Garty

Randumbness

A/N: HEEEEYOOOO! I'm back... for something or other...

Anywell, for Christmas I received Path of Radiance and 'tis a good game an' all (when isn't a FE game even A LITTLE good?), but I realized that I couldn't pronounce a couple characters' names.

Like Shinon and Gatrie's. So I just called them Shino and Garty. It works.

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Part XXI : Shino and Garty

Ike and Company, LTD, had just wiped the floor with a group of bandits and were now looking for Mist and Rolf. They looked and they looked, only to find the two children being held captive by yet ANOTHER bandit.

"Well, crap," muttered Boyd.

"Don't give up!" snapped Oscar, hitting him in the back of the head. "Rolf! ..."

His little brother looked up at him from behind the ugly, ugly bandit. "...Yes...?" he said, motioning for his older brother to continue.

"Umm... I'm out of inspirational quotes..."

"Oh, come on!" said Boyd.

"You try being so happy all the time!" yelled Oscar.

Suddenly, as the bandit was going to do horrible, mean, nasty things to the children, he dropped dead. Rolf appeared to do the same.

"OMG HE'S DEAD!" screamed some random person of the group.

"Nah, he just fainted," Mist assured them.

Suddenly, a maroon-haired man, shortly followed by a tall guy with orange hair and blue armor, appeared.

"So that's where you two were!" said Ike LIKE HE KNEW. "I wondered where Tatania went."

"Yes, I went off to get reinforcements while you guys... BLATANTLY disobeyed my orders," she said, giving Rhys a particularly ugly look. He whistled innocently.

"Well, it's a good thing you showed up," Ike said.

"Yes, our timing may be impeccable, but I am still very bored," yawned Shinon. "What about you, Gatrie?"

"Yeah..." panted the large man. "But you didn't have to run... I could barely keep up with you!"

"Then loose the armor."

"UM, do you know what knights wear?"

"...Armor?"

"YES. That's precisely why I cannot remove my clunky suit of doom."

"Ah."

"AH? That's ALL? After I followed you, fell down a hill--"

"Nearly killing the BOTH of us," added Shinon.

"Uh-huh. Yeah, it's all your fault."

"Oh?"

"HEY!" snapped Ike. "Shino, Garty, thanks for the help, but this bickering is annoying."

The two stared at him.

"...What?"

"Did you just call me _Shino_?" asked Shinon.

"...Did I?"

"And you called me Garty," said Gatrie.

"Oh, I'm sorry..."

Then they all shared a hearty chuckle. Except Shinon and Gatrie didn't, because they were mad at Ike for getting their names wrong.

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A/N: I'm sorry I haven't updated in a while, but I've been working on 'The Stupidest Thing Ever' (which you should read REGARDLESS of it being a Soul Calibur fanfic), and that has taken up my time because I update that once a week.

Keep reading and reviewing this, though!

But I also forgot to mention that I call Rhys 'John Rhys-Davies' (for some reason... O.o), and refer to Titania as the 'woman named after a planet in Starfox64.'

This part may not have been the best, but you should review it anyway! Please. Only YOU can prevent forest fires.


	22. Guy: Identity Crisis

Randumbness

Well, I was thinking about this story just a few seconds ago when SUDDENLY I remembered that I haven't made fun of quite a few people in FE7 (i.e.: Wallace, Guy, several other people I can't name off the top of my head).

So... yeah. Whatever. I just figured I'd do a really stupid part to this. LIKE THE REST OF THEM.

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Part XXII : Identity Crisis

Poor Guy. I swear, people don't even think of him as 'Guy' anymore. He's more or less just 'that guy who Matthew's paired with in every yaoi fanfic ever'. Seriously.

Did YOU remember his name until I just said it a couple sentences ago? I didn't either.

So now he was going through an identity crisis. If he no longer had a fanbase that made him Guy the Straight, then what was life? Could he go on like this anymore? Well... it wasn't that bad.

"EXCEPT FOR ALL THE YAOI," he reminded himself, then thoroughly considered commiting suicide. "Yeah. That's ALL I am now; Matthew's lover boy. WHY did I have to be associated with him?" He fell to his knees and started slamming his face into the ground. "WHY? WHY?"

Eventually, he quit slamming his face into the ground and decided he needed a new identity if he was going to be somebody other than Matthew's plaything. He decided that, in order to do this, he must change his name.

But there weren't many options when your name was GUY.

What would he call himself now? Man? Boy? Man-Boy? Something ELSE, mayhaps?

"Well, I could always just switch to my ORIGINAL name," he sighed. "It's a little better than... GUY, anyway."

So now his name was Gii. Even though that didn't sound MUCH better than 'Guy', it was different and that's all that mattered to Guy. I mean, Gii. In fact, I think it was actually just the same damn thing. Only with different letters.

Well... at least his name isn't... GAI. And, you know what? Somewhere, someone is smiling, and their smile goes 'PING!'.

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A/N: Well... Poor Guy. I mean, Gii. Yeah. I went to this website and it had all the Japanese names for the characters, and some of them were pretty funny. For some of them, though, you had to wonder where the translators pulled the names out, since some weren't even CLOSE to their originals.

And then there was... GII. Aka Guy.

ALSO, if I had the power to revolutionize the world, I would make it so that poor Guy does not have to suffer at the hands of bad yaoi authors ANYMORE! Alas, I have no such power... (sniff)


	23. Filler3: The Title Card Part

Randumbness

A/N: Well, here's Part Twenty-Three, my latest chapter! And, you know what? 'Twill be available for viewing and/or reviewing on Media Miner soon enough! (monotonous) Yaaaaaaaaaaaay.

Anyway. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY/BIRTHDAY RANDUMBNESS! ONE YEAR OLD ALREADY!

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Part XXIII : The Title Card Part

"Call for an entire **exodus** of the city!"

"Why? Is there a **devil inside** our homeland?"

"Oh, heavens no! I just want to **feel** that they're following our orders and **traveling** out of here."

"'Traveling' was used very inappropriately in that last sentence. And another thing: **Why** are **you** making this seem so **simple and clean**?"

"Because it's easier to fool all of the people some of the time than to fool some of the people all of the time."

"That made no sense!"

"Get over it. Now come on! Do you want a **happy ending** or not?"

"Do I look like a **smiley** right now? No, I'm not quite partial to happy endings, thank you."

"**We** need to get out of here. As in, Taco Pronto."

"Ugh! **You make me want to be a man** sometimes!"

"I'm just doing this **for you**, baby!"

"What do you know **about me**?"

He grabbed her hand passionately. "With all my **passion**, **let me give you my love**. Please."

"Oh! We should really keep that to **ourselves** in situations like this, **honey**."

"You really need to lighten up sometimes."

"I can't believe you're so **easy breezy** about this!"

"Didn't I tell you in my **letters** that I was easy breezy?"

"NO, you did NOT."

"No need to get mad, dear. **Every heart** has problems like this sometimes."

"Dammit, I just don't react to that like it's **automatic** anymore! I've decided that I'm better off **movin' on without you**!"

"Don't talk like that! You were my **first love**!"

"At first I thought, '**time will tell** with this guy, he's not too bad', but my **time limit** ran out and I guess I was wrong!"

He furrowed his brow. "Fine! We'll go the **final distance** right here, right now! Now don't act like one of those **girls on top**, you drama-queen!"

"**Oops...I did it again!** It's just that I overreact a lot in times like these."

"That's what I love **about you**, baby. I remember when we were just **boys & girls** and you were so dramatic about things. It really turned me on."

"Oh, well... I don't like to brag..."

"It's **moments** like this that I remember those **carols** we sang: Like **Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer** and such."

"I remember now... that's when you first learned **my name**."

"Yes, I was **humming 7/4** all night after I met you."

"It was the **opening** to our relationship."

"Now it seems as though we're at the **crossover interlude**."

"Damn these song titles!"

"But I sometimes **wonder 'bout** your horrible cursing problem..."

"What horrible cursing problem? Those were the first two times I ever cursed in my life! So don't treat me like that; it causes me **endless sorrow**."

"Maybe we should put some **distance** between us for a while..."

She gasped. "What are you saying, my lord Pent?"

"Well, it's just that I _was_ **addicted to you** up until recently... And you'll always be my one and only, but you get kind of boring sometimes, Louise."

"**My name's women**, darn you! You should've known I was a feminist from the first time we met each other!"

"Well... I didn't. I'm sorry."

"I guess you just didn't know the **real me** then. Huh?"

"Actually, I thought I had you figured out on your last **birthday eve**, but... nah. Not anymore."

"Oh yeah! We used to **shake it up** every night."

"Yeah. Until recently."

"Shut up about that."

"Oh, yes... I thought it was a **real emotion**, but... I suppose I was wrong..."

"Get your **hands** away from me! I'm leaving!" She turned her nose upwards and walked out of the room.

"That's it for my love life, I suppose. Ah, well. It's just a **game** anyway."

_The End_

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A/N: Hmm... Anybody who can name all singer/songwriters for EVERY TITLE in this part... will get a prize! Horjah. You will be respected, as well.

I have no more to say.


	24. Wallace: The Wallace Part

Randumbness

A/N: I couldn't really think of anything to write, but I did a parody of Passion (Kingdom Hearts 2 theme) and it had a lot to do with food rations. Then I remembered, DUR, Fire Emblem's an army game and they must have LOTS of rations!

...But that's not the case. I'm saving that for my Kingdom Hearts parody or at least I'm going to post it in the KH section.

And I'm not sure I'll continue this for much longer, as I've been wanting to move onto bigger and better things and Randumbness may be my best fanfic ever, but it's not as important to me anymore as it was a year ago.

So here you go.

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Part XXIV : The Wallace Part

"Wallace, you're..." started Lyn, but she thought over what she was going to say and bit her lip. "You're a little... well, I don't know how to say this, but Wallace, you're a bit..." She made a circular motion with her hands.

"What are you trying to get at, milady?" asked the large knight.

"She's trying to say that you're fat," Sain said, popping in from nowhere. Then he popped back _out_.

"Yeeeah," said Lyn uncomfortably, putting her hands behind her back and looking at the ground. "Sorry about that. And you're so slow, we don't know if you'll be good for the army anymore..."

"But... but my defense stat is off the chart, milady!" whined Wallace. "And I can kill enemy units in one strike!"

"It's not that you're fat and it's not that you're not invaluable to the... team," Lyn said, "but our food supply has been waning rather quickly lately and the only one gaining weight is you."

"Oh, so the heavy-set guy eats everything, is THAT IT?" Wallace said, putting his hands on his hips. "That's discrimination! Discrimination I say!"

"I'm not saying you're the one doing it..."

"Yes she is," coughed Sain, popping in again and then popping out. Again.

"...but all fingers point to you," Lyn finished, looking very apologetic.

Wallace thought for a moment. "Well if I can prove that I'm not the one eating our rations, will you let me stay in the army?"

"Well... I suppose..."

"THEN I'M ON IT!"

_Some time later..._

Wallace was a defeated man. Out of the sixteen-or-whatever people in the army, none of them seemed to be eating the rations. What was worse is that he found some food under his cot in his tent that night, and he hadn't put it there.

So the next morning, he packed up his stuff and was ready for a tearful good-bye.

However, he did find some very incriminating evidence when he was just about to say his farewells.

"Milady, milady!" he called, running up to Lyn, slightly hindered by his armor. He wheezed, "Oh dear Lord..." Catching his breath, he held up the photo of Matthew slipping food under Wallace's pillow. "See? It wasn't me after all!"

Lyn put a hand on her chin. "Well, I guess that explains why Matthew smelled like sausage and week-old milk..."

"Yes!" cheered Wallace.

"But why did he do it and who took the photograph?" Lyn asked.

"I did it because I don't like fat people," Matthew admitted, having been hiding behind a bush the whole time. "And I was really hungry and, really? Would any smart person let a thief anywhere near their food rations?"

"And I'm the one who took the photo," said Dorcas, having been standing right there the whole time. "Because fat people look out for each other."

"I'm not fat, I'm well-rounded," Wallace said, sticking his nose in the air, 'hmph'ing and walking off.

"I hope you learned a lesson from this, Matthew," Lyn said sternly.

"I sure did," said Matthew, munching on a stick of beef jerky. "'Never blame people for doing stuff when you're the one who did it, unless it gets you free food.' Oh, and, 'Lyn's really dumb.'"

"I'm glad you have a moral," Lyn said.

They both laughed heartily and the part thusly ended.

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A/N: Oh-ho-ho. No inspiration for this chapter at all, except... well, wouldn't Matthew steal food rations? I mean, COME ON, he's a thief. What was Lyn thinking letting him into the group? She should've known he'd steal everything that wasn't nailed down.

The bologna is all gone

What's happened to it, huh?

I know that you ate it all

(from Rations, my Passion parody)


	25. Ismaire n Joshua: Bored

_Randumbness_

A/N: Omfg I haven't updated in like forever. But as a prize/thanks to Queen Ismaire (the reviewer, NOT the royal power in FE:SS) for posting the 140th review of this fanfic, I asked her if she could come up with something for me to write for this chapter. And she has.

IT IS DONE!

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Part XXV : Bored

One particularly boring day in the Jehanna Desert--I mean WAY out there where the castle is--Queen Ismaire was thinking about how very boring it was without her husband. It had always been so fun when he was alive! They'd take the camels out for a spin every now and then and see who could play dead the longest until the vultures started circling, and also light the scented candles and...

...Never mind.

Alas it was not so. For her husband had been dead for many moons. And many suns as well.

Speaking of sons.

Well at least Ismaire had that one little reminder of her husband--her son. Yes. It was very grand and that analogy was very touching, but she couldn't help but feel that he'd been acting rather... distant lately.

I mean, sure, he could handle growing up with a single mom who happened to be the supreme ruler of a desert country, but there was so much he could take before he just wanted to spend some time with himself. Some Joshua time. However, it was around that time of day that he would come up to her, whining about how there was no water outside, and she would remind him that it was a desert so of course there was no water outside. That silly child.

So she decided to get up off her queenly posterior and look for him.

Even a queen can go look for her own spawn if bored enough to do so.

After searching many rooms, she finally came upon him in his room (which is... really where she should've looked first, since that's the most logical place to find a broody teenager), hunched over something. He looked very attentive for whatever he was doing.

Deciding that she wanted to talk to him but he was far too engrossed in whatever he was doing, she walked in quietly. Then a twig broke and Joshua looked up and bounded off into the woods.

Nah. Not really.

Instead of doing that really random and retarded thing I just mentioned, Joshua went on doing whatever he was doing very... he was really into it, okay?

Finally, Ismaire softly cleared her throat. Just enough to make Joshua spin around and get up at the same time, which is actually kind of funny if you picture it in your head. Haha.

"MOM! I told you to knock!" he said like a typical teenager.

"But dear, we had to take your door down for repairs, remember?" Ismaire reminded him like a typical mom. "What are you doing?"

"...Nothing..."

"Let me see."

"Nah. It's nothing, Mom."

"As the Queen of Jehanna, I order you to show me what you were doing." Oh-ho. Pulling the old 'I'm the Queen of (such and such)' card. How clever.

"As the Prince of Jehanna, I refuse!" Joshua retorted.

"As your _mother_, I order you to show me what you were doing."

Well even though being a prince is just a step down from being queen and he should've acknowledged her authority right then, he wasn't going to let that fly. But you know and I know when a mom gets like this there's no stopping her from going on the warpath if you don't oblige.

He stepped aside to reveal... GASP! Some random desert critter that was holding cards and smoking a cigarette. Poker chips were in the middle of the two.

"GASP!" gasped Ismaire. "What is the meaning of this?" She pointed at the desert critter.

"Hey, _he_ invited _me_," said the critter, somehow possessing the ability to speak. He pointed at Joshua.

"It's not what it looks like!" Joshua said, inching towards the window if he should need to fling himself out of it.

"It looks like you brought a desert critter into my castle and you were playing poker with it," Ismaire said, putting her hands on her hips and gaining a very authoritative and motherly look. "After I made the servants get the carpets nice."

"I'm sorry Mom..." Joshua hung his head in shame. "But I'm... I'm addicted to poker!"

"GASP!" gasped Ismaire and the desert critter. Ismaire turned to it, picked it up, and flung it out the window.

"I'll be back!" called the desert critter as it flew through the air.

"My boy... my boy has a disorder!" wailed Ismaire, falling to her knees and crying.

"No... No I don't! I can stop any time I want, I didn't mean I was addicted like _that_," Joshua tried to make excuses for himself.

"I'll have to send you to a self-help group and that'll only cost MORE than we can afford!"

"Mom... You're the queen of a country. You _own_ the only self-help groups in the land."

"Oh right. Sorry about that. Anyway..." She got up and dusted herself off. "I never want to see you doing that again. Do you hear me? Hmm?"

"Yes, Mom..."

"Good boy. Now you have a fun, not-poker-playing day, okay honey?"

"Yes, Mom..."

With that, Ismaire left to go back to the throne room. And she spent the rest of her life being bored.

But not really.

THE END!

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A/N: Queen Ismaire (the reviewer, NOT the royal power in FE:SS), there's your chapter! I hope it's as good as you would've wanted it to be.


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